The Predictable Poop

God has blessed me and my wife with three amazing boys.  They are all different but in many ways similar.  They love each other as well.  From the oldest to the youngest there is less than 5 years in age range.  So they are pretty close in age, so they typically play together really well.

Parents of boys will totally get this. We talk about poop a lot at our house.  The frequency, the consistency, the color, the quantity, the stankiness (yes, stank, the word stink doesn’t do that odor justice).  All of this discussed way more often than my wife would like.  Even as a grown man, a good poop or fart joke still makes me laugh.  It is just part of being boy.  My boys even can produce very real sounding arm farts.  It is hard to scold them for making them when inside my head I am truly impressed with the quality and the volume of the sound.  Even my wife is impressed with it.


Let’s face it everybody has to poop, which brings us to the phenomenon in my family known as the predictable poop.  Anyone that has ever been out to a restaurant with us has witnessed this.  If you have been out with us many times this becomes a game.  We will sit at the table and order our food and wait. The kids may or may not be occupying themselves quietly.  The food arrives.  We get everyone settled in.  I start to take the first bite of my food and then it happens.

One of my boys, usually my youngest, will then get down from the table come to me and say “I have to go to the bathroom.”  This prompts the question from me “Do you have to pee or poop?” (We ask this even of our oldest.  Even though he can handle a bathroom fine, this gives us a timeframe for when he should reappear.) The younger two still need a little help.  In this situation, for whatever reason, the answer is usually “poop.”  (As you can tell we never bothered with “number one” or “number two” terminology, we just call it like it is.)

So I take a bite from my food and go with the child to the bathroom.  We finish up and return to our seats.  I sit down and start to eat only to get the same question from my middle son.  By this time, I have taken two bites and my food is starting to get a little cold.  My wife and my friends start to laugh out loud at this.  They can almost set their watches by it.  So I take him to the bathroom.  He does his business and we return.  By this time, my food is cold and everyone is close to done with their food.

The watch for the oldest one starts.  Will we hit the trifecta of poop today?  You betcha!  The oldest now needs to go.  Lucky for me, I can sit this one out and finish my meal.  But I sometimes have to check on him, because he can get distracted by things and take his own sweet time getting back to the table.

So on a good outing, I will go to the bathroom three times.  None of those times is for me.

So if you go out to eat with us to a restaurant, you can see this played out in real life.  If you are lucky you will even see the predictable poop trifecta and I may or may not get to finish my food before it gets cold.